everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
