The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
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