all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
