somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
