why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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