I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
