I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
