i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
