First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
