Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
