How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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