Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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