I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
