Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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