What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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