I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize