Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize