Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i drank out of a bidet.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
