I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
we should paint friendship bongs
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
