i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
