i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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