You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
