Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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