Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
