Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
