she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
