so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
