but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
