Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
