What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
