I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
