And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
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