Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Sorry my hands just texted you
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
