I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
