I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
