I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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