I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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