I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
