my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
