It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
