Don't you send me to vm
Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I hate all girls vehemently.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
