How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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