did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
