3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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