you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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