He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
