I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
