He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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