Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
