You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
