Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
