I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
