I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
