Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
