Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
