i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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