I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
